30… is the new 80?

In just three short days, I will be 30. And I’m in crisis.

I wasn’t in crisis. I didn’t think much of it actually. One day I’m 29, the next I’m 30- so what? What’s the big deal? Well, according to everyone else it’s not only a big deal it’s a HUGE deal. A life altering huge deal.

Exhibit A. I was out to lunch with my friend who asked me, “Oh my God it’s almost your birthday are you freaking out yet???”. Ummmm no. I really wasn’t. I just frowned and asked her, “Should I be?”. “Of course you should, we are old now!”.

Ok… so recap. I’m not gonna be old on Wednesday, but I will be on Thursday…?

Exhibit B. Another friend, while shopping. “So.. are you ok?’ Me, while confused “Yeah I think so, why?”. “Well just because of the whole 30 thing”.

Oh, so now it’s a thing? Does everyone know this stuff but me? It’s like I’m about to join some horrible gang that I know nothing about but everyone else is terrified of. The way people are reacting makes me feel like they know something I don’t. The worst part is, I thought I was happy! I mean, I think I am right? I have great family, great friends, a job I love… all in all I don’t have anything to complain about it. But everyone is saying I’m not supposed to be happy…what am I missing? Can you be unfulfilled and not know it? Did I just end up in a crisis because I’m NOT in a crisis???

And that’s how you end up in a crisis you didn’t even know you had.

– C

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Back… Take Two!

I’ve been blogging elsewhere for the last year, just trying it on for size and seeing how it fits. Turns out it doesn’t. Sooo here I am 🙂

I told myself I would try this blogging thing just for funsies, and it turns out I like it. I can’t even express how nice it is to have somewhere to take all the inappropriate stuff inside my head and have a place to put it that won’t get me in trouble!

– C

Selfies for Dayz…

I. Don’t. Get. Selfies.

I open my Instagram- selfies. I open my Facebook- the same selfies I just saw on Instagram. What is the fascination??

Personally, I don’t have any desire to take pictures of myself. Pictures are for me to remember something fun or special. I can’t really think of a situation where that would mean me in front of my bathroom mirror. I’ll be honest, I’m not overly self confident. Maybe that’s why I don’t get it, the desire isn’t there to look at myself constantly.

I have a friend who takes at LEAST 6 selfies a week. My initial judgment was that she is just super happy with the way she looks. And she should be- she’s a gorgeous girl! But seriously… almost every day…? Ok, fine, you like your face and want us all to appreciate it as much as you do. Noted.

But then… I hung out with her and out of nowhere she asked me if I had blocked her pictures. I was taken aback a little bit, but I told her no I had not. Then asked why she would think that I did. Word for word, “because you never like my pictures”. Ummm what?? First of all, are you counting “likes” or something?? Second, how did you even notice that I wasn’t reaching my acceptable friend quota?  I really wasn’t sure how to respond to her… I couldn’t believe that this person I always thought had so much self confidence was concerned that I didn’t like her pictures.

I’ve heard all my life that people who seem to be the most confident have the most insecurities but I never really believed it was true. This situation got me thinking about that. Why can’t any of us, even those that seemingly have the least to complain about, look in the mirror and see the good things? Why the innate need to pick ourselves apart?

I look at my face and I see all the negatives and then some- a face that’s too round, eyelashes aren’t long enough, nose is too wide, upper lip is too thin… I honestly didn’t even realize there was so much that could be wrong with a face! When I look at my friend I see her long eyelashes and a perfect nose with a cute smile, she notices the slight gap in her teeth and eyes that she claims are too close together. I can’t see how someone so pretty can see so much ugliness.

I have always felt that people like me, people who feel like they aren’t anything special, are the ones who need to hear the good that others see in them- the things that make them worthwhile. But I think it’s important to remember that we all need these reminders from time to time.

– C

 

I’m Back!

It’s been a long two months! I haven’t even opened my blog because I’ve been so busy trying to get school all finished up. BUT… I did! I’ve only been done for a couple days, but it feels like this huge weight has been lifted off. I don’t have to devote like 3o hours a week to it anymore. Sooooo… with all this new found time, I’ll be able to write more 🙂

It feels so good to be done- although I’m super sick. It’s a virus that I just have to let run it’s course, but the doc says it probably hit me harder because I’m so run down. I suppose everything was bound to catch up with me sometime- but it will be good to get on a normal human schedule again and take better care of myself. There is something to be said for being able to eat at normal times and sleep more than 4 hours a night! I’m really lucky to already have a job that I love, so with school being over I don’t have to rush into a job hunt. But at the same time, it would be really nice to be able to take a week or two and just decompress.

I’ll settle for a couple days I guess 🙂

-C

Motivated To Be Validated

But seriously. Why do you blog? Is it something that you do for yourself? Do you do it to inspire others? Do you do it in the hopes that you will make money at it?

I’ve only been doing this for a few months- but it’s become such a positive thing for me. It’s a creative outlet that I really needed. I blog for me, because I like it, because I like to write. I like being able to write freely. Of course, I’m not gonna lie I get a little fuzzy warmy everytime someone likes or comments or follows me. It feels almost like it’s a validation. Maybe not of me, but at very least of what I had to say or feel. Is that lame? Yeah, ok I know its lame. Don’t judge me internets.

I’m still suffering from a fear that “I’m doing it wrong”. Yes, I know technically you can’t do it wrong. But to me that’s like a teacher telling you there is no wrong answer. Yeah ok maybe your answer won’t be wrong but that doesn’t meant that it can’t be idiotic. While I’m trying to work through this irrational worry, I’ve been reading some other people’s blogs. You can tell right away why they choose to write.

It’s kind of like social media to me, Facebook in particular. It’s always been a question on my mind- why am I doing this? Do I really get any enjoyment out of posting this really funny picture of my dog? Or does my enjoyment come from the likes that I know it will get? I’m not ashamed to admit that it’s the latter. Ok a little ashamed. Maybe a lot ashamed- but hey at least I will be honest about it. Fine, ok. I’m a Facebook whore. I like the attention. I like being VALIDATED. Who cares if it’s by the cousin of an old high school classmate that I met at that one party- still totally counts!

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I think we all need the validation, the only difference is some refuse to admit it. Which is really too bad because I believe those are the people that need it the most.

– C

P.S. Liking your own blog post is about as lame as it gets. Sorry I’m not sorry

Resolution… Yes, THAT Resolution…

Well it’s that time again…. The time of year when we all decide that we are gonna get in shape and watch what we eat and get healthy. You know, all those things that we failed at last year 🙂

I don’t typically talk about trying to lose weight. There’s always this nagging thought at the back of my mind that I’m gonna fail, and I figure if no one knows I’m trying then no one will be disappointed or judge me. Every year it seems to be the same story. However, for the first time in a long time I feel like maybe it might be different this year.

I’m living by myself- no roommates. Before, I was living with my brother and a roommate. Neither of which were really concerned with what they ate. Which of course meant I ate a lot of junk that I didn’t need to be eating. Also, school will only be an excuse for another couple months- then I’ll be all done and a lot less busy which means after work I will have time to be more active than I am now. It’s easy to use that as an excuse when it takes up so much of my time.

I can totally deal with the exercise part, no big. I don’t mind the gym. I like being outside, and I need to walk the dog more anyway. But the food is another story… Ugh I LOVE my junk food!

I like salty snacks but sweets are my fave! I’ve never met a sweet thing that I didn’t like. It’s the unfortunate burden I bear :(

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Seriously, it’s that bad! I can’t keep it in the house because I can’t be responsible with it. I just went through a major overhaul of my cupboards and fridge. Got all restocked with good stuff. It’s not gonna be easy but I think I’m ready.

Gotta avoid those Girl Scouts and their deadly Tagalongs like the plague this year 🙂

– C

New Year!

Yay! The Holidays are over! Don’t get me wrong I love the Holidays, Christmas is my fave time of year (aside from football season obviously)! But there also comes some relief from being back into the routine.

New Year new beginnings. I’m not gonna do a big post on this like I planned on. I don’t think I’ll have any new beginnings until I am done with school in a couple months. Just like every year I want to work out more and eat better- get in some type of shape. Continue to try to be the best me I can. Nothing super specific though.

School starts back up in a few days… MY LAST TERM! Finally. Seriously it’s been way too long. Can’t wait to be finished and focus on other things, other more fun things hopefully.

– C